Managing ‘Naughty’ Behaviour in 3-Year-Olds: A Positive Approach

Managing the behaviour of a three-year-old can often feel like a challenge, particularly when they display what adults might perceive as ‘naughty’ actions, such as hitting, yelling, or being disruptive. However, it’s important to understand that at this age, children are still learning about right and wrong. When we use the term ‘naughty’, it’s more about our perception of their behaviour than any intentional attempt to misbehave. At three, children are in the early stages of understanding social norms and controlling their impulses. So, what might appear to be ‘naughtiness’ is simply part of their developmental journey as they test boundaries and express emotions.

Using the term ‘naughty’ in inverted commas helps remind us that the behaviour of young children is not driven by malice or a desire to misbehave, but by their growing process of discovering what is acceptable. It’s essential to view these behaviours with empathy and patience, as they are learning how to navigate the world around them.
In a recent exchange between a carer and a parent, the parent expressed concern about their child’s ‘naughty’ behaviour. The carer provided thoughtful advice on how to manage these situations in a positive and supportive way. Let’s break down this advice and explore how you can approach your child’s behaviour with consistency and understanding.

Understanding ‘Naughty’ Behaviour
When adults describe a child’s behaviour as ‘naughty’, it typically refers to actions that are disruptive or socially inappropriate. However, at three years old, children are still learning about the world and are often not yet capable of fully controlling their impulses. Their behaviour is usually a reflection of emotional or developmental needs rather than a conscious choice to misbehave. By putting the word ‘naughty’ in inverted commas, we acknowledge that children at this age don’t have the full cognitive or emotional understanding to act with intentional defiance. Instead, they may be exploring boundaries or acting out due to frustration, excitement, or a lack of self-regulation skills. Recognising this helps us approach their behaviour with more understanding and compassion.

Setting Clear Expectations
To guide your child through this phase, it’s important to set clear and consistent expectations. Children need to know what is acceptable behaviour and what is not, and they rely on repetition to internalise these lessons. If your child hits, yells, or behaves in a disruptive way, calmly explain that these actions are not appropriate and offer alternative ways for them to express themselves.

Using consistent, simple phrases helps reinforce your message.
For example, when a child hits, you might say, “We don’t hit. Hitting hurts.” Repeating the same words each time reinforces understanding, as children learn best through repetition.

Consistency Across Caregivers
Consistency is key when managing young children’s behaviour. Whether it’s you, a partner, or another caregiver, it’s important that everyone involved in the child’s care is on the same page. If one caregiver responds to hitting with a gentle reminder and another reacts differently, it can confuse the child and make it harder for them to learn the right behaviour.
When all caregivers use the same methods and language, it creates a sense of stability and clarity. Children thrive when they understand what is expected of them, and consistency helps to reinforce the rules and limits that guide their actions.

Holding Space for Your Child
One effective approach to managing challenging behaviour is to give your child the space they need to calm down and process their emotions. This concept, often referred to as ‘holding space’, involves allowing the child to have some time to settle, without immediately pushing them to apologise or engage in a lengthy conversation about their behaviour.

Holding space can be a powerful tool in helping your child regain control of their emotions. When a child is upset or overstimulated, trying to reason with them in the moment can be less effective. Instead, offering them a few minutes to calm down, away from the situation, can help them process their feelings and prepare for a more constructive conversation afterward.
For example, after a child hits or acts out, rather than forcing them to apologise immediately, you can offer them the space they need. You might say, “It looks like you’re feeling really upset right now. Let’s take a few minutes to calm down, and then we can talk about what happened.” This gives them the opportunity to settle their emotions before discussing the behaviour in a more focused way.

Patience and Calmness in Communication
When your child is upset, it’s crucial to wait for them to calm down before explaining why their behaviour was not acceptable. At three years old, children often struggle to process complex explanations when they’re in an emotional state. Trying to reason with them while they are agitated can be counterproductive. Instead, provide a calm and understanding presence, allowing them the time they need to regulate their emotions.

Once they are calm, you can then explain how their actions made you feel and why it’s important to make different choices. For instance, after the balloon incident, one carer explained that they were sad when the child hit them with it because they were excited to see them perform. By waiting for the child to calm down first, the message was received more effectively, and the child was able to reflect on their actions.

It’s also important not to pressure your child to apologise immediately, especially if some time has passed since the behaviour. At three, children often struggle to link an apology to a past action, so it’s more helpful to express your feelings in a calm, non-accusatory way, and let them naturally come to an understanding of why their behaviour was hurtful.

Reinforcing Positive Behaviour
While addressing ‘naughty’ behaviour is an essential part of parenting, it’s equally important to reinforce positive behaviour. Praise and encouragement play a key role in shaping your child’s actions. When they share, listen, or follow instructions, make sure to acknowledge these positive choices. This helps build their self-esteem and motivates them to repeat the behaviour.
For example, if your child waits their turn or speaks kindly to others, offer praise: “I really liked how you waited patiently for your turn.” Positive reinforcement helps children understand the behaviour that is expected of them and encourages them to continue making good choices.

Conclusion
At three years old, children are still learning how to navigate their emotions and behaviours. When they act in ways we perceive as ‘naughty’, it’s often because they’re still figuring out the difference between right and wrong. By setting clear, consistent expectations, offering positive reinforcement, and holding space for your child when needed, you can help guide them through this developmental phase with understanding and empathy.

Remember, the goal is not to punish, but to teach. With patience, consistency, and a calm approach, you can support your child in learning how to manage their emotions and make better choices as they grow